What I’d forgotten about having a newborn…

They’re SMALL!! Okay so ours was 10lbs 10 oz and there was an audible gasp from the medical professionals as she was born but compared to everyone else you know, they’re TINY.

What it feels like picking up your toddler after picking up your new born

The umbilical cord is just there minding its own business. Try explaining this to your childless friends. Yeah it just sits there like an old pepperami and then drops off. No biggy.

They poo A LOT. How to explain the first few poos? Babies grow and shed all over body hair in the womb. Then they eat it. They also eat a load of other crud that’s just floating around in there. Then they save it all up and shart it out in the middle of the night once they’re born. What?!

Imagine tying a firework to a jar of marmite and you’re on the right lines.

They’re always ready for a wee. With a boy baby the likelihood is they’ll be able to cover you with wee from ten paces by a week old. Girl babies wee secretly soaking their entire back whilst you’re getting them dressed. They do this just to annoy you.

Miiiillllllk. Ian Rush says drink your milk or you’ll end up playing for Accrington Stanley. Luckily newborns are as insistent in sourcing their next drink as Phil Mitchell and will happily claw out your, or their own, eyes in the pursuit.

Thanks but your assistance is not required here, Ian Rush.

Claws. Talking of claws, newborns have nails like this. WHY?!

All the better for mauling my own face with, my dear

Waiting for baby number 2

ESTRAGON:Nothing to be done.

VLADIMIR: I’m beginning to come round to that opinion. All my life I’ve tried to put it from me, saying Vladimir, be reasonable, you haven’t yet tried everything. And I resumed the struggle. So there you are again.

The gestation period for a human is somewhere between 8 and 357 months give or take a day here and there.

Once your partner goes over the magical due date, calculated with the midwife’s official NHS predictor wheel, she might as well have been pregnant for a hundred years. “But, but, the wheel, how could the wheel be wrong?” you mutter disbelievingly to one another.

It turns out only around 4% of babies are born on their due date. Some of them like to surprise you by coming out in the bath or just at home, 9 months after sleeping with Martin Fowler. Some of them just hang around inside for a bit – the fetal equivalent of pressing snooze – yeah, yeah 15 more minutes.

If that’s you, and at the moment it’s us, luckily there is a potent cocktail of invasive procedures and poorly evidenced home remedies out there to get things moving.


Pineapples contain the enzyme bromelain which is thought to soften the cervix [not really sure what a cervix is but I’m definitely picking up that it’s important]. The bad news is that you need to eat at least 8 pineapples to get anywhere near the amount of bromelain to have any effect. The worse news is that bromelain breaks down protein which is why pineapple makes your tongue sting. So when you eat a pineapple, effectively it’s eating you back. Maybe you’ll give birth a bit earlier but after 8 whole pineapples, you’ll be doing it tongueless.

A nice hot curry!

Hark the sound of 41 week pregnant women with indigestion and temperature regulation issues everywhere – “Please oh please bring me a chicken madras, popadums, onion bhaji, bombay potatoes and a small polythene bag of warm salad.”


Cast from your mind the image of a cheery Dick van Dyke because there’s nothing super‐cali‐fragil‐istic‐expi‐ali‐docious about this procedure. Do however bring to mind an individual with the digital dexterity required to operate Sooty’s friend and you’re in the right ball park. Being the supportive partner I am, I was happily, but unnecessarily present for this. There really is nothing to be done other than carefully study the ‘how to wash your hands correctly’ poster until it’s all over. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, don’t google it, don’t ask anyone about it. You’re better off not knowing.


Paying £50 for someone with a certificate they ran off at home to fondle your toes might get those oxytocin levels up. Probably won’t though.

The Unspeakable Act

According to Babycentre “semen is rich in prostaglandins, which are the chemicals that are used in hospital inductions to kick-start labour.”

Oh down boy, all this talk is making me hot under the collar….wait, what’s that Mumsnet?

“At 40 weeks pregnant, sex is probably just slightly more enjoyable than having a sweep, if you can be bothered.”

Ah okay don’t worry about it.

Raspberry Leaf Tea

No one drinks this in real life. Overdue women are the only market for this product. Do raspberries even have leaves?!

We continue to wait.

Last word to the NHS: “There are no proven ways of starting your labour yourself at home.” The baby will come when it’s ready but I guess that’s easy for me to say as it’s not my bladder it’s using as a punch bag.


Well? Shall we go?


Yes, let’s go.

They do not move.

‘Swimming’ lesson – a year hence

tom daley

In my potentially award-winning blog post on baby swimming lessons last year I opined that so disinterested were babies (or at least mine) in swimming that the same impact could be achieved at lower cost by placing them in a pail of water.

We’re still plugging away at the swimming lessons and I’m still the only dad most weeks but swimming with a toddler is a whole new kettle of ball games.

There’s a clever girl in the swimming class who’s only just 2. Last week she was asking me where I got my pram from and did I know that there was another pram just like it elsewhere in the leisure centre (which there was). So whilst she is asking her mom in the next cubicle about who is whose cousin and uncle in their family tree, CPP is pointing to his willy and shouting “PEE PEE, PEE PEE” at the top of his voice. Changing cubicles amplify your qualities as a parent. If you get frustrated in general, changing cubicles will send you over the edge. If you make exaggerated noises when getting your kid dressed you’ll go into BGT mode when you know your performance has a wider audience. The same goes for the children – handles, keys, the soiled nappy bin become objects of wonder in an otherwise sparse environment. Make sure you don’t scold them too badly when they put their hands in the bin filled with 30 types of wee – all of the other parents can hear you and they’re all judging you.

Changing 2

There are little chairs to strap them into in the cubicles but there’re a crucial few seconds where you have to let them loose so you can work the locker mechanism. Can you insert your pound coin and fasten your wrist band more quickly than they can run out of the leisure centre front door and be grabbed by a condor? Let’s hope so.

Confident little so and so

“You can’t swim” I warn him as he kicks off my solarplexus into the open water before an inevitable downward plummet and tears. Terror of water a year ago has given way to supreme confidence – the next challenge is to find a realistic mid point.

Let’s recap:

People who can swim: Duncan Goodhew, the kid off that Nirvana album, Free Willy.

People who can’t swim: you.

Safe exits

All of the toddlers in the group have mastered safely exiting the pool. They’re so good at it they can not only exit the pool but can be halfway back to the changing rooms before the parents can drag themselves out and return the subjects for the remainder of the lesson.

Drinking the water

CPP drinks a lot of water and he’s often under the impression that presented with the swimming pool I’m challenging him to drink the lot in some sort of series 28 of man vs food challenge – toddler vs water.

Pool noodles
The pool noodles have bites taken out of them. This should be a clue as to how toddlers feel about them. I dread the bit each week when I have to tie him up in a reef knot and try and make him swim on his back, his legs stuck up in the air resolutely in an unhelpful and impractical seated position.

What he really wants to do

Parenting is always a compromise between what they want to do and what you know they should do and that’s why we turn up early and CPP sticks his fingers in a series of water spouts emanating from the spine of a porcelain dragon.

Changing 3

It’s a little known fact that a toddler that is dressed after swimming is positively charged whereas puddles of water have negative charge. The sitting of the former in the latter is one of life’s inevitabilities.


The 12 men you find on Dad groups

1) The personally offended by innocuous mention of motherhood
Mothercare??? Winds me right up. What about fathercare? Bitches #boycott

2) The shock and awe
I worry about my family’s future and that’s why I’ve bought this MASSIVE ARSENAL OF ASSAULT WEAPONS LOOK HERE ARE PICTURES OF THEM ALL AND THE SPECIFICATIONS NO ONE MESSES WITH MY FAMILY AND IF THEY DO I’LL SHOOT THEIR FACE IN.  Looking forward to Daddy daughter time later, yay!

3) The I heart polio
I’m probably a bit cleverer than the collected wisdom of medical science throughout the ages so we won’t be vaccinating our children and will treat their Victorian illnesses at home using crystals and bay leaves. Here’s a shonkily made Youtube video that explains everything.

4) The should have sought help from a professional
I was ploughing the mrs the other day and me knob come off. Has any other gents experienced this?

5) The spends a lot of time in his garage
Here’s a picture of my car.

6) The budding chef
Treating the missus.

7) The context free nutter
Omfg I fuming the fckin bich asnonly gon n done me for harrassmant even tho i aint bin near her wot a surprise day afta she was sposed ti be comin to my moms to drop off Shyla-Lee I swear on my nans grave fckin fumig.

Soz just need to vent.

8) The will grow up with a terrible relationship with his daughter
[Posts picture of a shotgun with the caption ‘birth control’]

9) The this is obviously in violation of the rules
Please delete if this isn’t allowed. I haven’t read the clear and obvious pinned post which forbids this but here are some ways I would like to access this network of contacts I’ve done nothing towards for my own personal gain.

10) The post a meme that everyone else saw ages ago
Haha made me laugh gents

11) The I assume all 8000 of you have been following my complex custody case as closely as I am
Hearing postponed. Ain’t got the right paperwork typical.

12) The yeah obviously
Real men don’t beat their kids with big stick and then waterboard them for a laugh. Share if you agree.

I should add that in the dad groups there are kid related posts and genuine dad questions as well as general hilarity about getting hit in the testes (75% of being a father).

Top 10 Christmas toys 2016 (part 1)

10) Norman Lamont’s Budget Simulator

All the rough and tumble of negotiating and agreeing departmental spending limits at an uncertain economic time with the added fun of projecting the public sector net borrowing requirement! Don’t forget to adjust for inflation!

Suitable for ages 3 and above

9) Hangry Hangry Hippos

Watch as your hippos get increasingly irate as you offer them small plastic balls which they mistake for food!

Contains one pair hippo handling mittens

8) Sit Around!

Set the timer and see who can sit in silence longest! Wake up grandad! 

7) Marcus Wareing’s My First Kitchen

Why not whip up a bolognese or maybe an apple crumble? Your little ones will love having their creations torn to shreds by the lifelike animatronic Marcus Wareing! One things for sure – they’ll only underseason the fucking carrots once!

6) Shelf on a shelf –

Remind dad that he really should get round to finishing off those shelves. Come on dad!

Positions 5 – 1 coming soon!

A beginner’s guide to CBeebies

Gone are the days when children’s TV was operated with a fixed camera in a broom cupboard with Phillip Schofield having to push his own buttons, talk to camera and operate a puppet at the same. We’ve recently begun to watch some children’s TV in the mornings so for those of you encountering it for the first time in a few years this is the Captain Poo Pants guide to CBeebies.

The new Gordon/Ed/Otis

Since the 80s a charismatic puppet has been a mainstay of CBBC presenting teams. Given the rich history, it is all the more concerning that the current iteration is this haunted taxidermy rat dog. I feel sorry for the rest of the presenting team having to pretend it is in any way charming particularly as it is clearly of an age where it’s unable to control its bladder.

Fetch the shotgun

Postman Pat’s Special Delivery Service

Postman Pat’s Shit Delivery Service more like.  Pat has had a promotion.  Instead of his straightforward round  in Greendale (population 11) he is now responsible for ‘special’ deliveries in a big town nearby where all the old Greendale residents now live (Greendale having been destroyed by the great earthquake of ’92).  He now has a zero hours contract and is at the beck and call of preening control freak Ben who lives in the postal sorting warehouse.  Pat has a mobile phone that he’s only allowed to use when Ben wants him for something.

“Hello, Special Delivery Service……Oh Hi Ben”

“Pat I don’t care if it’s the middle of the night.  You’d better get here right away or you’re fired. I need this thimble delivering next door in the next five minutes……..Yeah and bring me a f*cking happy meal.”

Ben has too many buttons undone on his shirt and probably tells women in bars that he works in logistics even though he spends his whole day in the warehouse going up and down in his lift, blowing off and thinking of ways to prevent Pat seeing his family.

Pat was a bad postman and he’s a bloody awful special delivery service guy.  In the past fortnight he left a big block of ice he was delivering in a field and drove off.  He accidentally fed a small child’s teddy bear to a horse.  He lost six eggs he was was literally holding in his hands and he floated a policeman almost to his death with some helium balloons he was in charge of (before rescuing him with his postal service helicopter – no wonder the price of stamps keeps going up).  Last week he lost a parcel before he even left the warehouse forecourt.

“Don’t worry, Pat always gets here” the villagers assure each other.  Sure, he gets there but it’s taken 10 people to help him and he’s blown 6 grand on helicopter fuel so you have to ask yourself whether it’s really been worth it.


Sack him now

Chris Jarvis

In Chris Jarvis’s loft there is a painting of a very, very old man. He was on kids’ TV when I was young, he’s on kids’ TV now I’m a dad and he’ll be on kids’ TV when I’m dead. I put his youthful good looks down to the fact that his job requires him to do nothing more strenuous than pointing at a cloud. His current gig is in a big garden where him and his mate Pui are joined by an inanimate cuboid named Stuffy to do not very much for 20 minutes. Then he probably buggers off to the BBC cafeteria to exchange mucky limericks with Huw Edwards over a big bowl of Golden Grahams before heading home for a snooze.


Look it’s Mr Tumble and if we just look under the flap of his spotty bag….it’s Reese!  Reese is 3 today.  Oh how very original, parent.  How long did it take you to come up with the flap/photo combo.  What a special card.  Birthdays are a mainstay of the children’s TV world but they have developed their own Overton window meaning that limitless creativity is possible within an extremely narrow spectrum of acceptable cards.  Hence flaps. So many flaps.  Oh look under this flap is Sally who’s 8.  WTF Sally why are you still watching CBeebies?  Why aren’t you at school?

Because the BBC can’t return any of the cards, what you don’t see just off screen is an intern throwing all of the cards onto a big fire and laughing.

Furchester Hotel

I honestly can’t tell you what’s going on with this one.  You know when John Cleese got his latest divorce and had to do all those adverts to pay for it?  That’s the only reason I can imagine for Elmo’s involvement with this madcap idiocy.  With the exception of the Cookie Monster, he’s the only recognisable face amongst a hoard of ‘seconds’ muppets (and let’s face it, the Cookie Monster is a fairly one-dimensional character – if the story isn’t about cookies then you aren’t going to get a lot out of him).  The show is nominally set in a hotel, not that it matters.  They sing a song about catastrophe every day and other than that the whole thing is too difficult to follow and is too colourful.

Justin/Mr Tumble


Keep off the grass

I didn’t realise that Justin and Mr Tumble were the same person until recently, particularly as my nephew had assured me that they were “just good friends”.  Mr Tumble lives alone in a nice looking cottage, dresses as a clown and is ordered around by the disembodied voice of a child.  He has an ipad and a bag and assists Justin to teach sign language, emotion and acceptance of difference.

Justin’s house on the other hand is considerably more exposed to weather conditions lacking as it does a front.  Justin lives with a sort of robot Michael Gove and a sentient ball of weed.  The show is about falling over and getting sprayed with water.

Mr Tumble might be annoying but at least I now know the British Sign Launguage for sandcastle.
Which shows have I missed?

So, you’ve got an old baby….

“I’ve got a new born at home”

“Awwwww how adorable”

“I’ve got a toddler at home”

“Ah I bet they’re keeping you on your toes”

“I’ve got an old baby at home”

“WTF are you talking about get away from me.”

Since Captain Poo Pants turned 1 a couple of weeks back I’ve been thinking about how having an old baby differs from having a new born.  Despite them being ostensibly the same baby and posing baby type challenges all of the good parenting you’ve learnt is now out of date and you have to learn some more. Otherwise you’ll end up like that guy from work that uses a spreadsheet package as a database. 

Having a hamster and having a budgie both count as having a pet but you soon learn that only one will flap round the lounge knocking your ornaments off.  And so here are the key ways in which having an old baby is different from having a baby baby to help you prepare.


Gone are the days when playfully batting a stuffed bear was an achievement worthy of a family wide telegram. Play now consists of 2 hours of shuttle crawls up and down the lounge followed by repeated attempts to topple a grandfather clock on top of themselves.


Have you ever tried putting a pair of trousers on a greyhound during the 2103 at Wathamstow? No? Oh well best of luck. I hope your carpet and walls are shit-proof.


Getting clean is no longer a playful splish on the gentle slope down to bed time but Total Wipeout style carnage where all of the water must be either drunk or splashed onto the floor and into your joists.


Now there is beef in their ears afterwards a lot.


Crying is no longer a way to let the world know you’re hungry or cold but a method to deal with more immediate and serious emergencies like being put down for 3 seconds or having some trousers put on.


They now have teeth which need to be cleaned. With the amount of time spent awake in the night getting these bastards through his gums we’re taking such good care of them that he’ll still have them when he leaves home. Just need to get him to stop trying to bite the head off the toothbrush.


Just gallons of the stuff. Getting that morning nappy to the bin needs the assistance of a team of locally engaged porters.

What have I missed?