Daytime TV review #1: Homes Under the Hammer

 

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Dion Dublin earlier in his career

 

We can only speculate at the events that led to Dion Dublin (613 senior appearances, 183 goals) becoming the host of daytime TV’s Homes Under the Hammer but the decision was definitely the right one.

For those unfamiliar with Homes Under the Hammer, it offers a gritty, warts-and-all portrayal of the high stakes world of buying a house and then carrying out some minor rennovations to it.

Due to budget restrictions, the BBC shows fourteen episodes of Homes Under the Hammer every weekday meaning that if you’ve ever bought a property via an auction, the chances are you’ve been featured on the show. This prodigious output has meant the presenting team has had to be increased by 50% and there is no reason why that 50% shouldn’t have been Dion Dublin.

There are two things everyone knows about Dion Dublin 1) almost uniquely he played top flight football as both a striker and a centre half, and 2) he’s got the longest cock in football. A third quality that he’s apparently been hiding under a bushell all these years is his ability to walk round houses pointing out where modernisation might be required.

“Here are the stairs leading up to the bedrooms which are on the small side” says Dion Dublin and he’s right; they are up there and they are on the small side.

The dynamic of the presenting team has been altered somewhat since the addition of Dublin. Although long standing presenter Lucy Alexander still manages to look interested as she trudges round a bungalow in Silverdale, co-presenter Martin Roberts looks thoroughly pissed off with the whole arrangement; probably because he’s no longer the biggest prick on the show.

 

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Martin Roberts: Massive tool

 

The show follows members of the public as they buy a property at an auction, describe what they’re hoping to do to it and then do it.

“Why have you bought this shed at an auction”

“I’m planning to make it into a slightly nicer shed”

“How?”

“Paint.”

Voiceover:  “Changes of this kind are unlikely to require planning permission but check with your local council.”

A show which, like the properties it features, is almost without redeeming features – 5 stars

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