6) Although probably 1% of women have a ‘TV birth’ where 10 minutes after the first contraction the baby’s sleeping happily in her arms, everyone else is in for a long night; the whole process was much longer than I’d imagined. At CPP’s birth I busied myself for the first couple of uneventful hours with the League Cup highlights and a packet of good quality cookies. It is important not to over exert yourself at this point as labour can take anything up to six weeks.
7) Muttering “you’re doing really well” for the 200th time as your loved one pushes a set of shoulders out of her will make you feel smaller and more useless than you have ever felt before. If you’ve ever felt like you haven’t been doing your fair share of the housework, prepare to feel like that but a lot, lot worse.
8) Every sitcom birth since 1970 has featured a man sucking on the gas and air pipe whilst his irate wife looks on. The reality is that it’s not the hedonistic, dawning of the age of aquarius mind bender that men assume. The slight head rush is not worth sharing the tube that your partner’s been slobbering over like an XL pepperami for three hours. If you want a free head rush, stand up quickly when you’re not expecting it.
9) Midwives know the gender of your baby even if you don’t. I’m not sure if it’s the speed of the heartbeat or spidey senses but if you were hoping to be surprised you can expect to hear a lot of “Keep going, your son is going to be here really soon………or your daughter”.
10) They just let you take the baby home at the end, no questions asked.
No “do you even know where the food goes in?” or “is that string holding your trousers up? Are you sure you can look after a baby as well?” You’ll have to do more admin signing up to netflix although the time requirements of both are similar.