Having a baby is frightening and danger lurks around every corner. EVERY corner. The first time we took Captain Poo Pants out for a walk, I had to restrain myself from wrestling a greyhound that was paying too much interest in the pram. I would have done it though; I would wrestle any species of dog (or any other animal for that matter) to keep him safe. As time has passed I have learnt that although the rest of the world is scary, it’s the little, unexpected things your baby does that are scariest of all. Here are the ones I have found most terrifying.
- The Tom Daley
Why not wait until you are about to be carried lovingly down the stairs before testing out your reverse somersault with pike and a half turn out of daddy’s arms? Professional divers use water to land in but stairs are probably just as good and, as we all know, notoriously soft. Hey, why not launch yourself off daddy’s belt buckle or gut in order to get an extra foot or two of air?
2. The Mikhail Gorbachev
Babies lose their new baby skin pretty quickly and before you know it you’re carrying round more creams than a door to door patisserie chef. Nappy rash, eczema, cradle cap, dribble rash; all identified and an appropriate cream sourced. Every so often though a previously unidentified blotch appears. Is it dribble related? Is it the Huntu virus previously only found in remote parts of South East Asia?? Is it a mark on my glasses?
If you look at any online parenting forum for information, they all go like this.
Parent 1: Hi my son/daughter has a slight red rash on their stomach. Any idea what it could be?
Parent 2: I ain’t a doctor babe but that soundz liek meningitis babe.
Yeah thanks for that, parents on the internet. Thanks a lot.
3. The Sixth Sense
One moment they’re looking into your eyes laughing away, the next looking worriedly over your shoulder. What is it Captain Poo Pants? What can you see? Can you see people? Do they talk to you? Is the ghost doing a wanker sign behind my back?
4. The Phil Mitchell
They can be happily playing one minute and all of a sudden become scarlet and stop breathing. It’s always a massive shit but you automatically assume every time that their head’s going to explode (A marginally worse outcome than them ending up with someone that looks like Shirley).
5. The psiren
A mystery one-off middle of the night screech that you hear through the baby monitor. Both you and your partner sit bolt upright, awake, silent, listening for another sound……none comes. You both close your eyes and drift back to sleep. Another one! Then nothing again; only the sound of your heartbeats, the darkness of the night gripping you (the buzz of the baby monitor pissing you off).
The baby is luring you into their room, daring you to look over the side of the cot even though they are clearly asleep. Where did the sound come from? Could we both have imagined it? And then BAM, the baby sucks your brains out through your nose. More accurately, they wake up because you’ve got your face three inches away from theirs breathing heavily with terror and spend the next hour awake because they think it’s morning.
6. The Vega
This is of particular concern if your baby, like Captain Poo Pants, has hands the size of those foam ones they had on Gladiators and the finger power of a pro Subbuteo player. In the crucial moments after waking from a nap, if you don’t reach him in time, he will quite happily savage his own scalp with 5 seconds of vigorous, unrelenting scratching action – quite literally scratching an itch that has to be scratched. Hey, everyone needs a getting up routine don’t they?