I can’t believe how quickly my parental leave is going. Having failed to win the lottery AGAIN on Saturday (absolute joke) I’m on the look out for other ways I can avoid having to go back to work: lucrative modelling career, 4000 game accumulator and major bank robbery are the top ideas at the moment. Here are the highlights of week 4.
The haunted door of mystery
There was a week shortly after Captain Poo Pants was born when the only thing that would calm him down was the sound of Gordon Brown’s voice (luckily I had my 8 CD set of Gordon Brown’s greatest monologues at hand). This week, despite deploying some of my top parenting techniques, the most effective way of soothing him when upset has been to let him look at this fucking door for ever. God knows why.
Breaking new ground
As well as our usual 17 trips to the supermarket (kudos to Sainsbury’s Tonbridge for the excellent gradient of their access ramp) we’ve broken new ground this week notching up achievements including going into a cafè on our own and going in a shop with a step. I’m thinking of going even further next week and, for example, pushing the pram one handed while carrying something in the other hand.
Mush, glorious mush
The little man goes through his food like your mom at an all you can eat buffet. This is great news but if you don’t shovel it in his gob quickly enough he has a complete meltdown. I wonder if I could get the food in some sort of giant syringe to keep up a constant flow. Talking about a constant flow of food, I finally joined a gym this week so I can work off some of my baby weight (this is a real phenomenon, definitely). Operation DILF has started.
Captain Poo Pants’s unpredictable naps this week (15 minutes here, 3 hours there) have meant I’ve caught more daytime TV than usual this week. And each time I switch on it seems to be the same programme which is just Gloria Hunniford finding out whether things are good for you or not. It turns out eggs are good for you but drinking more alcohol than recommended is bad for you. Next week: Injecting heroin of questionable quality with a needle you’ve just found – good or bad?