Poo is one of the top three topics of conversation in our household these days alongside whether it’s warm enough and which episode of Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares to watch next. As every new parent knows, poo has mystical fortune telling qualities and so each offering is pored over meticulously for clues and pointers – a bit like that time Gillian McKeith guest starred in CSI Miami.
So the Captain Poo Pants Chronicles is pleased to present the Captain Poo Pants guide to poo for new parents.
The chicken korma
Standard fare. Mild, yet fragrant. Your grandad could probably handle it.
An early months occurence resulting from too much Infacol or other accelerant. May require head to toe deep clean, clothes to be burnt and house to be exorcised.
The Playdoh fun factory
This is a ‘new to solid foods’ presentation where the output is instantly recognisable as the input but in one of a selection of new and interesting shapes.
The Cadbury’s Picnic
Sticky, crunchy and unpopular. Another ‘new to solid foods’ offering. Every bit of nutrition has been sucked out leaving an unrecognisable and unmarketable length.
The KFC popcorn chicken
A small but ghastly ball of unpleasantness barely worth the name.
The John Torode
A perfect quinelle moulded between the thighs rather than between warmed spoons.
A noxious cloud that terrifies bystanders and grounds air traffic. Although all the indications point to an upcoming explosion, none is forthcoming.
Why not spice up your day by starting a checklist. If you get all of the above in a single day, give yourself a reward (but not before booking a doctor’s appointment).