I read quite a few dad books before Captain Poo Pants was born and whilst some of them gave helpful pointers like babies wear nappies and drink milk, I found too many of them pious and preachy (hey why not write your baby a song and sing it through the womb wall? Piss off mate – why don’t you write me a song then stick it in the bin, yeah?). They all seemed to be written by dads with kids called St. Austell or Bean or Ptolemy or Cornflower or Febreeze or whatever and not one of them dealt with the important stuff like how to clean sick out of your new carpet.
As a slightly more experienced dad, I have had a go at my own list of truths for new dads that are a bit more realistic about the first few months.
Your new face is crumpled
Thought your most attractive years were still ahead of you? Nope – they went years ago. You missed them. You now look like a greyscale photocopy of Mother Teresa. This is it now – you have crepe face.
You will grow fat as those before you grew fat
If you’re honest with yourself you’ve been eating for at least two ever since you found out your partner was pregnant. If she’s breastfeeding she’ll need 300 extra calories a day which is about a Snickers bar so if you just buy this massive strip of Snickers bars, you’ll be really well prepared and OH THEY’VE ALL GONE HOW DID THIS HAPPEN???
You will become a different type of lover
The parenting books say that your relationship with your partner will blossom as your family moves into an exciting new stage. This is true but it means that rather than saying “hey let’s go out to dinner tonight somewhere fancy. My treat”, you’ll instead find yourself saying “hey come in here and have a look at the colour of this poo.”
You will become a comfortable poo handler
No one except Gillian McKeith willingly delves through poo and for most new dads, it’s one of the things we’re most worried about. However, once you’ve got the hang of nappies, you can whip it away almost immediately and with a shield of 30 or 40 wet wipes you needn’t come in contact with the remainder either; no worries. What no one tells you though is that it’s now your job to empty the nappy bin and transport what can only be described as a turd anaconda out to the bins every couple of days.
You can read the Captain Poo Pants guide to poo here!
You won’t break it but it will break you
Contrary to your natural instincts, it isn’t necessary to engage a retinue of servants to carry your little one down the stairs in a sedan chair. You will be holding on so tight that it won’t be able to make a jump for it even if it wanted to. Before you know it you’ll be employing a range of advanced carrying techniques (outward facing, hip sitting, spinning the baby on your finger etc.). It’s more likely that you’ll be the one getting broken with more headbutts, solar plexus poundings and flappy armed eye gouges than Wrestlemania XIV.
You will become a source of curiosity to your friends
If your friends don’t have kids there is an easy way of separating those that are planning to have one shortly and those that aren’t. The former ask you about rates of maternity pay, how you can get the baby into a routine etc. The latter ask “…..so……have you tried breast milk yet then?”
You will redefine ‘time to yourself’
This no longer means a day on the booze followed by a morning blowing off in front of the Hollyoaks omnibus. Time to yourself now means you *might* be able to have a wee with the door closed a bit later this afternoon.