I’ve been so tired this week that not only have I been unable to write anything I haven’t even been able to jab the wordpress symbol on my phone to get the process started. As quite a few of my friends and neighbours have remarked I resemble a used chamois leather with a face drawn on it. After a couple of tough weeks sleep wise it feels like we’re now coming through the other end and that Captain Poo Pants really just wanted to show us who is in charge (newsflash: not us).
Submit to CBeebies
It’s finally happened. We have submitted to watching CBeebies in the early mornings and honestly it’s more difficult to watch than Ken Livingstone’s sixth interview of the day. Most of the children’s TV presenters from my childhood have moved onto bigger and better things (e.g. that toothpaste ad with Katy Hill in it) or been swept up in Operation Yewtree so I was surprised that Chris Jarvis is still there and hasn’t aged in 30 years. What a great job he’s got. He might have to get up early but he gets paid for just holding a kitten and saying enthusiastically “kittens have pointy ears”. A great job.
Obviously the whole thing is just the worst thing imaginable. The presenters don’t even speak in sentences. They say “Cardboard tubes. Sticky tape. Binoculars! Up high. Up high in the tree. What can Tom see up high in the tree? Puffs of white cloud. Up high. Up high in the tree”. You don’t need binoculars to see clouds Chris Jarvis you knobhead.
Justin’s House is an inexplicably popular mainstay of the early morning schedules in which Justin – a middle aged man with pretensions of greatness and a background as an artist – whips a crowd into a frenzy before releasing them on the nation ready to do his bidding.
He keeps a sort of robot Michael Gove as a slave and cohabits with a sentient ball of weed in what I can only assume is a controversial pro-drugs message.
For ALMOST HALF AN HOUR there are a series of misunderstandings, soakings of both the deliberate and accidental variety and more elaborate falls than someone attempting to create the circumstances for a fraudulent personal injury claim. All this keeps the crowd in an ecstatic frenzy screaming Justin! Justin! as they offer Justin, or ‘our leader’ their undying commitment until the end like a miniature Nuremberg.
So you can imagine that the average person would only really be able to tolerate a few seconds of this before punching the television into pieces but as a parent you have to push those feelings deep down inside along with all the other ones. This is your life now.
Do you remember weebles? They were the round bottomed toys that, if you turned them over, would spring back upright. I’ve been finding out what it’s like to live with one of those this week at Captain Poo Pants’s bedtime. He has decided that the optimum sleeping position is on all fours and so our relaxing bedtime routine now has an extra bit added to it – namely turning him back onto his front up to 8000 times before he decides that going to sleep is an okay thing to do.
We had a massive new experience this week when Captain Poo Pants went in a swing for a bit. I was anticipating laughter and smiles as the wind swept through his (small amount of) hair. As you can tell from the photographic evidence we can add it to the long list of things he’s not really that bothered about. Despite looking like Greengrass from Heartbeat, I can confirm he hadn’t actually been drinking.
Pre bedtime relaxation technique
There’s only one solution in our house for calming down an irritable baby in the hour before bedtime – stick Pointless on. This forms the core of my best-selling book on parenting techniques.