Week 14: Schrödinger’s pants

Back to the grindstone
In 4 weeks’ time I’ll be back at work. What sort of God would allow that? I don’t know how to do a work any more but society demands that I earn money to pay someone else to look after my child (and buy food etc).

“How was your weekend?”

“Yeah good, you?”

“Yeah good, you?

“Great, you?

“Yeah, great”

“Have you seen that email from Steve?”

“No I don’t know how to open emails any more. I’ve been at home with a baby for 5 months so I’m just hanging around in the kitchen asking people about their weekends.”

You can read my bringing up baby vs going to work day in the life here.

Important developmental progress
For the first time Captain Poo Pants has begun putting his arms out to be picked up which is a marked improvement on violently shoving his groin in the air which is what he did previously.

Bad Sleep

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Shonkiest DIY I've ever done

My preparations for SAS selection are still going well as Captain Poo Pants wakes me up repeatedly for a forced march (to his bedroom) carrying a full pack (my own gratuitous body weight) before subjecting me to a verbal roughing up (crying in my face until I meet his non-specific needs).  There are still a few minor variables about his room we haven’t tried changing so hoping one of them holds the key. The wall colour just screams *wake up repeatedly for no reason* if you know what I mean.

I really bolloxed things up on the one night of decent sleep we were having this week when the bathroom mirror I had ‘put up’ somehow came away from the wall and smashed all over the floor waking everyone up. In the panic in the middle of the night your first thought is obviously that something has happened, the baby has shattered somehow and you’ll have to get all the King’s horses and all the King’s men round to sort it all out. In the end he was just awake and annoyed and we had to sort it out ourselves.

In an effort to improve the quality of my own sleep I have bought some new pillows which, it turns out, are about 3 feet in height. So that’s gone well.

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Ridiculously sized pillows

CPP has taken to rolling over onto his front to sleep when he naps which is naturally terrifying. Front sleeping hasn’t been recommended by health professionals since the 1970s when all of the methods for testing things were rubbish and people would routinely give babies cigars instead of dummies. At the moment we’re allowing him to sleep on his front if he rolls there but under the strict condition that we check his breathing every 5 to 7 seconds.

Shröedinger’s shat
The most important decision you can take as a parent isn’t about nourishment or schooling, it’s the often knife edge decision about whether your baby has cranked one out in the middle of the night. You might be thinking that it’s easy to tell but sometimes some wee or trapped blow offs can give the impression of poo without there actually being any. Once you commence the nappy change your baby is awake and there’s no guarantee they’ll be nodding off any time soon. I’ve been caught a few times where I would have put money on there being poo (not a service Ladbroke’s currently offer) only for the nappy to be as white as the driven snow.

This brings me onto my new invention: a device that can tell whether there is poo or no poo using sensors. I’ve still got a few details to iron out but if anyone wants to provide, say, £8 million in seed funding please, please get in touch.

Summertime

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Enjoying the sunshine by sleeping through it

As Mungo Jerry famously expolated, in the summertime the weather is hot. We’ve seen a little of what Mungo was talking about this week with some heavy sunshine. It seems only a matter of months since we were suffering night after night of Gro-egg CODE BLUE, CODE BLUE!!! This week has been very much a code orange situation which has meant something else for us to blame our lack of sleep on.  It has been nice to go out in the sun this week although it turns out that getting sun tan lotion on a wriggling baby isn’t the doddle I had assumed it would be. Suffice to say he won’t be getting sunburnt eyes. Not on my watch.0

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