What I’d forgotten about having a newborn…

They’re SMALL!! Okay so ours was 10lbs 10 oz and there was an audible gasp from the medical professionals as she was born but compared to everyone else you know, they’re TINY.

What it feels like picking up your toddler after picking up your new born

The umbilical cord is just there minding its own business. Try explaining this to your childless friends. Yeah it just sits there like an old pepperami and then drops off. No biggy.

They poo A LOT. How to explain the first few poos? Babies grow and shed all over body hair in the womb. Then they eat it. They also eat a load of other crud that’s just floating around in there. Then they save it all up and shart it out in the middle of the night once they’re born. What?!

Imagine tying a firework to a jar of marmite and you’re on the right lines.

They’re always ready for a wee. With a boy baby the likelihood is they’ll be able to cover you with wee from ten paces by a week old. Girl babies wee secretly soaking their entire back whilst you’re getting them dressed. They do this just to annoy you.

Miiiillllllk. Ian Rush says drink your milk or you’ll end up playing for Accrington Stanley. Luckily newborns are as insistent in sourcing their next drink as Phil Mitchell and will happily claw out your, or their own, eyes in the pursuit.

Thanks but your assistance is not required here, Ian Rush.

Claws. Talking of claws, newborns have nails like this. WHY?!

All the better for mauling my own face with, my dear

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s