“I’ve got a new born at home”
“Awwwww how adorable”
“I’ve got a toddler at home”
“Ah I bet they’re keeping you on your toes”
“I’ve got an old baby at home”
“WTF are you talking about get away from me.”
Since Captain Poo Pants turned 1 a couple of weeks back I’ve been thinking about how having an old baby differs from having a new born. Despite them being ostensibly the same baby and posing baby type challenges all of the good parenting you’ve learnt is now out of date and you have to learn some more. Otherwise you’ll end up like that guy from work that uses a spreadsheet package as a database.
Having a hamster and having a budgie both count as having a pet but you soon learn that only one will flap round the lounge knocking your ornaments off. And so here are the key ways in which having an old baby is different from having a baby baby to help you prepare.
Gone are the days when playfully batting a stuffed bear was an achievement worthy of a family wide telegram. Play now consists of 2 hours of shuttle crawls up and down the lounge followed by repeated attempts to topple a grandfather clock on top of themselves.
Have you ever tried putting a pair of trousers on a greyhound during the 2103 at Wathamstow? No? Oh well best of luck. I hope your carpet and walls are shit-proof.
Getting clean is no longer a playful splish on the gentle slope down to bed time but Total Wipeout style carnage where all of the water must be either drunk or splashed onto the floor and into your joists.
Now there is beef in their ears afterwards a lot.
Crying is no longer a way to let the world know you’re hungry or cold but a method to deal with more immediate and serious emergencies like being put down for 3 seconds or having some trousers put on.
They now have teeth which need to be cleaned. With the amount of time spent awake in the night getting these bastards through his gums we’re taking such good care of them that he’ll still have them when he leaves home. Just need to get him to stop trying to bite the head off the toothbrush.
Just gallons of the stuff. Getting that morning nappy to the bin needs the assistance of a team of locally engaged porters.
What have I missed?